Last week, I did something very un-Korean…
I told my co-teacher, in a very truthful and direct manner about my reasons for resenting her. It was inevitable. I was pointed at the tip and I knew I had nothing to lose. Did I have money, love, friendship, a job I cared for, respected citizenship in this country..? Nope. When there’s nothing to lose, there’s nothing to fear. Nada. Nietz. Zip. No stakes. It was the perfect time to gamble for “change”!
My bitterness towards my co-teacher– her lack of help, support and welcome– had grown to the point of disgust.
Meanwhile, her dependency upon me grew. She wanted me to help her remove her workload of burdens. It was a reasonable request that I take on more responsibilities, but I’ve collected explosive baggage from the day of my arrival and reasonably kind or generous was the last I wanted to be. People create monsters and sometimes, these monsters resent their creators. I felt orphaned, helpless, alone, clawing my way out of a hole while seeking that romance with Korea. A part of me was tempted to say I was “hating”… My lost chance at a romance/honeymoon period with Korea. Would I ever get there? Was I too late?
That week, I began to withdraw, I was sharp with her and another co-teacher I has small difficulty with. I felt fed up with this all Korean-ness. You know what? I’m NOT even Korean! I’m American, so why the hell have I been trying so hard to “act all cookie-cutter Korean” with all my little polite bows, humility and chirping enthusiasms? How to deal with this poisonous monster I felt I was becoming? I had to get rid of it. I had to let it out.
So I did it…
I pulled out my “Waygook card”
For anyone who doesn’t know what a Waygook card looks like, here’s the eye-opener: it looks exactly like you. Waygook means ‘foreigner’ in Korean. The card is like a Monopoly‘s Get out of Jail” pass and Uno‘s Wild card combined. Believe me, I struggled with this, but I’ve decided to use it sparingly & strategically.
Unpredictable. Dangerous. With a ‘wild’ card , you never know when it’ll turn up. When it does, the person holding it can shift their disadvantaged situation to an advantage. It’s the highest trump to pull if you hope for change.
How do you use the waygook card?
Treat your situation as you would in your own country. Confront but be firm, intelligent, open and fair but don’t stop until you drive your point across (then know when to pull back).
Why should you use it?
Here’s a big and obvious loophole: “foreigner” already connotes an unconscious list of bad stereotypes, so you won’t be adding anything new to it:
- You’re expected to be a dirty gook, despite how overly polite and respectful you are in etiquette and formal code.
- Anytime you make an error, smudge, something which could be considered bad… it’s attributed to the fact you’re all covered in waygook!
- Being foreign, you are a potential danger, liability, a possible loose cannon.
Honestly- when you hear the word “foreigner”, don’t negative stereotypes and bad first impressions already pop into mind?
silkworm larvae bug snacksMy apt’s dirty-looking bed
My first introduction to the school restrooms
Yellow dust & sick masks
what the f@## is this? (Ok, it’s not bad, just not intuitive. It’s actually my trash deposit for perishables.
We must separate our trash & I must buy these coins so that the garbage man will
take out the contents of this container)
what comic book did this couple step out of.
You see, I do it too. In a subtle way, Korea’s slightly smeared in my mind already as dirty and foreign. But seeing as I’m living here for a year, I’ll have to remedy this…
Every culture has workplace politics and customs that you will need to accept.
Expect to hit rough lessons when you don’t know the custom/rules or attempt to play hard ball. In my workplace, essentially, I am playing with and against a people who’ve had lifetimes to sharpen their non-confrontational tactics. Saving face and doling silent punishments when they think they’ve been slighted… attempting to fight my battles “in a Korean way”, would be like swimming in a pool of sharks.
The only way for any positive change to occur is to face the situation head on and don’t let up (Maybe in more of a smart New Yorker way and not belligerent…cool, firm, honest, knows when to pull the weapons out and when to put them back in ). In an Asian culture specifically, direct confrontation can be a Wild card in itself. But like I said, it’s easier for me to gamble when I got nothing to lose.
Compromising vs giving up your identity to expat life.
Respect is earned. When someone doesn’t know how to treat people with respect– it’s a point deducted. Sound harsh? We give incentive points to our students all the time for good behavior, take it away when they’re bad. I always give them a chance to win that point back if they choose to make the effort. As a conscientious traveler, we should regard and respect the rules and customs of the countries we enter. Possessing humility, open-mindedness, adaptability and flexibility are valuable traits to carry.
Losing my identity to adapt to Korea is not necessary. Protecting my identity as a first class citizen and negotiating a space for it to exist with my adopted Koreanness, is fighting for its survival ; it’s something I shouldn’t lose sight of.
.
How did I confront with my co-teacher?
I know there are some out there who are battling bad situations, worse even. My approach is generally the one you would use in punishing students (punish, explain what wrong was done, what it effected, tell them what they do good at and why its disappointing, and then possible consequences). I didn’t aim to hurt but to be point-blank honest. In actuality, I brutally honest about my feelings and disappointments since day one and told her how I considered quitting, returning my settlement allowance and returning home (I’ve quit on larger jobs and people than this due to similar beliefs). I was not irrational nor belligerent. My voice raised at times, but I was firm in keeping my cool while also grave. I didn’t want there to be any confusion or illusions about how I felt or what type of work relationship we were creating if this were to continue. I wanted my CT to know it wasn’t an attack but straight from the heart and open to discussion. This was about the fact i’m at the end of my rope and either need to complete it or have her pull me back. The art of it all, in all the non-flattering honesty, I allowed her to save face.
I don’t expect an overnight change or any at all. But we ended truthful reveal in a hug. That will do for now.
How do you use the waygook card?
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kelsey and Christine Kaaloa, Christine Kaaloa. Christine Kaaloa said: New Post Confronting Korea with my Waygook card http://is.gd/bLSd9 [...]
Unfortunately, I suspect that is not going to go over well. I used to be confrontational as well at the beginning of my time in Korea, but the fact of the matter is that being confrontational just lowers you even further in their eyes and you will get even less respect from them. Sure, you’ll have the knowledge that you’re not “becoming Korean” to satisfy them, but you will likely find that they are even less willing to work with you. I ended up living in a SHIPPING CONTAINER for 2 months because my coteacher had lost respect for me and didn’t want to bother with finding me a real apartment.
There are folks who have good relationships with their coteachers, but they are generally the exception, unfortunately. You’re bumping up against one of the more unpleasant realities of living in Korea, and one of the main reasons I generally don’t recommend it as a teaching destination.
Also – be aware that if you break your contract, they will likely come up with all sorts of fees and deposits they will demand payment for. When I looked into changing schools early on in my time there, my school demanded that it would cost me over 1million won to do so, plus repayment of my airfare.
[Reply]
Christine Ka'aloa Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Wow- shipping container. Damn Kelsey you are a trooper!
But I also think there is a FINE line to play. Some of us are “overly polite and attempting to Become Korean”. We’ve worked hard, sat quietly in our situation for 2 months and are losing who we are & our strength in the process. It’s not about being Anti-Korean or Korea bashing (it’s not my way) … I respect the culture and aspire to observe its ways, but finding a negotiation within yourself where you don’t give yourself up entirely is necessary. Despite how I feel about the CT, I come to school with a lot of positive enthusiasm for everyone, I did tell her that ironically, I thought we had the “best working chemistry”, that I love the work I do & I love the children! “BUT… ”
I’m firm, not combative or belligerent, I attempt to be fair while meaning serious business. I was upset, but never lost my cool…it’s how I had to be when working with tv & film crews & difficult people. It’s a fine line to juggle. But I didn’t lower myself. In the end, she knew that my honesty was actually respecting her- giving her/us another chance to be better.
Contract wise– if its not stated in the contract, it doesn’t exist. My settlement allowance (covers airfare, med costs, etc..)- means nothing to me over this situation. I make more in the U.S. being unemployed.But if its mysterious fees– we can take it to the DMOE.
I appreciate your comment and any encouraging advice you can lend. I know people who are going through your horrors & i’d like for them to think a light at the end can be found.
[Reply]
Christine Ka'aloa Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Actually, I decided to revise after a bit of what you said. I don’t want to lead anyone down a pointed or wrong path but I can see how my post can be misconstrued. Thanks & please keep commenting.
[Reply]
have someone make a shirt like this for you:
http://images51.fotki.com/v1543/photos/2/285887/3322556/CIMG7288-vi.jpg
i had that made for me… =)
[Reply]
It was one of those shipping containers that have been converted into a livable space (maybe they don’t have those in the cities, but they’re common in the countryside). It wasn’t exactly livable though: http://www.flickr.com/photos/antipeople/tags/gunnaemold/
I agree that there is a line, but the problem is that Koreans don’t really understand it that way. It’s not that they necessarily want you to become Korean, it’s that they don’t understand your behavior unless you behave like a Korean. Korea is very insular, as I’m sure you have learned, so it’s hard for them to conceive of someone who might think a little differently than they do.
I didn’t realize from your post that you had actually talked to her already, just that it seemed that you wanted to. I’m glad it went over well. I put my foot down with my supervisor early on in my stint, and it served me well, because they knew I wouldn’t put up with their crap. At one point, I showed her a job listing that had accepted me, told her that she needed to change her attitude (she would suddenly “forget” how to speak English when she didn’t want to deal with me, for instance – a common tactic) or I would leave. I started to walk out of the office and she actually chased after me. She had a more healthy respect for me after that.
I agree that if it’s not in the contract, it doesn’t exist, but that’s not how Koreans see it. Unlike in the west, contracts in Korea are more like “guidelines” (you can find tons of posts about this topic on Dave’s) and you may find that even the central education office will encourage you to “be flexible” with your contract. I would carefully read over the conditions of your contract re: anything they pay for. In the standard EPIK contract (during my year, at least), if you left before 6 months, you had to pay back your settlement allowance, your airfare reimbursement, plus 600,000won of deposit for your apartment. Other fees they will likely require you to pay are insurance fees, “maintenance fees” for your apartment, advance utilities for the month after you leave while they find someone new, etc. If you try to leave the country before paying back money you owe them, they can have customs place a flag on your passport, meaning that you can be stopped at the airport and held in detention until you pay the fines. It’s uncommon, but it does happen, especially with schools that don’t particularly appreciate their native teachers. It’s that regulation that causes folks to do the famous “midnight run”, as that way by the time the school realizes you’ve left, you’re out of the country.
A light at the end of the tunnel does exist, but sadly, I think that most folks tend to find it only after multiple years in the country. Korea takes a long time to get used to, and you have to kind of find your “niche” before you will really feel comfortable. For some folks, that means marrying a Korean, for some it means becoming an organizer within the expat community, for others, including myself, it means trying to integrate yourself into the local neighborhood. I think that as long as you see your experience in Korea as strictly a one-year, temporary stint, you will have quite a bit of difficulty fully immersing yourself in the culture there, be it Korean or expat.
[Reply]
dealing with the customs they have there is very difficult…i found it even harded since i was japanese sometimes
you’re in a totally different envirnment than i was. i was there for the corporate world at korea’s top business (samsung) and when you have to deal with top level managers (older men) and me being japanese…man…it was TOUGH
you can’t really break barriers in thier culture…unless you become one of them first. it’s a really tough thing to do…i could go on and on about this whole thing but i really don’t have too much time
i just hope you can get through this and just know that there’s people who go through this everyday there…you’re not alone…and some of us really truly understand what you’re going through…imho, i’d just get outta there before things get worse. once you get into this kind of situation, it’s really hard to make it work unelss you’re willing to bend…A LOT… just my 2 cents…good luck…
[Reply]
You made me cry a little with this entry. I struggled with this a lot… can I remain the same as I was in the States without offending my Mexican friends?
It’s a thin line, and I know I offended some of my friends along the way. However, we managed to openly discuss it, I got some great pointers from them on how to handle things better, and 5 years later I finally get it. (There are occasional slip.ups, but nothing my friends don’t understand.)
Glad things went ok with your mentor. I hope things change
And don’t worry about hating the place. It’s just one of the phases of culture shock. it’s normal and it will gradually turn into acceptance, enjoyment and pride.
[Reply]
Christine Ka'aloa Reply:
May 1st, 2010 at 11:22 am
@Laura: Sorry and thanks. I always appreciate your blogs. While you’re Southwestern of the border, you had a break-in and adjustment period which was difficult as well. Moving to a new country is just one shift that people see, but enters…making a life, getting to understand relationships, language, work politics, etc… Many new negotiations to have to deal with and learn. I’m relying on the hope that what i’m going through is culture shock and things will turn to gradual acceptance and enjoyment.
Yeah, open discussions are important to have every now and then.
.
@Cary: Thanks for your 2 cents! To hear your input of how Korea works even in the dynamics of business is both, interestng and helpful.
.
@Kelsey: Those flickr pictures floored me! I have a lot of respect that you actually held on and didn’t let go. Another EPiKer is going through something similar with his apt and is having the worst time with his school I appreciate your experience here. What you said about showing your CT a listing and your acceptance was something in the vein of what I also noted. Also the faking not knowing English People need to know you’re serious and that there are options. I feel like once you’re out here, we forget that options are available and we had a life before we came and perhaps that adds to the feeling of difficulty. What we see is the helplessness and vulnerability we feel towards the language and culture, so FULL acceptance is assumed. Acceptance is imperative when going into a new culture, but I’d like to think keeping the small but good part of yourself within that change is mandatory also. And you also made me realize— in order for me to gain immersion, I can’t continue to think of myself as riding out a year! Thanks.
[Reply]
“And you also made me realize— in order for me to gain immersion, I can’t continue to think of myself as riding out a year! Thanks.”
It’s an easy mistake to make. A lot of folks see the experience as just something to “get through”. If you do that, then why are you even there? So that you can make the claim that you “made it” through a year in Korea? It’s not worth it. If you’re having to console yourself by knowing that it’s only a year, you might as well just go somewhere else, because you’re wasting your time being unhappy.
However, if you *don’t* look at it as just a stint to get over with, you will find yourself opening up to the local culture, be it Korean or Expat, a lot more. It wasn’t until I stopped looking forward to my departure date that I actually made friends, or really started to involve myself in the culture of Korea, both Korean and Expat.
[Reply]
[...] [...]
lol 외국 doesnt mean foreigner. you should fix that typo and look it up.
[Reply]
Christine Ka'aloa Reply:
April 4th, 2012 at 3:23 pm
@Jackson: 외국 Typo? Really? In all honesty, I had to re-Google the term to double-check but I still don’t know what you mean. With other blogsites like waygook.org (set up by the staid blog prophet, Brian in Jeollanamdo & our expat teacher’s bible & forum), blogs like The Waygook Effect,.. ‘Foreigner’ (whether neutral or negative) has been the only meaning most of us have known. Here’s some definitions and experiences:
.
A Year in Mokpo has their researched version here
.
ACowgirl in Korea experiences a hilarious but quite common waygookin situation in her “Curse of the Waygook‘ .
.
So Dr, what is your prescription for the typo? =)
[Reply]
Christine Ka'aloa Reply:
April 4th, 2012 at 3:27 pm
p.s. In my definition research I got a little deterrent and stumbled upon Seoul Gyopo Guide: What Foreigners Need to Understand About Korea (and Koreans). I thought it pretty hilarious but true. Just wanted to share.
[Reply]